Still Adjusting to a Partially Empty Nest

Elliot is working on 6 months in NYC ! Ole Dad is still adjusting to having his adopted son living so far away !!!

I've known for several years now that he wanted to live in NYC, but it came so fast. I feel like I only had him under my care for just a few short years and now he's gone !

Last year, the anticipation of him moving after graduating from college, was horrible. However, the actual moving him to NYC was worse. I will never forget him driving me to the airport after moving him there. I will never forget thinking I was going to sob in front of him and everyone at JFK. However, I surprised myself and was able to hold it together until.....Until the plane started to land at RDU. As the plane began it's descent, I began to feel this pressure within me. A pressure that needed release, but there was no way I was going to start crying on the plane. The grief I was feeling was deep and very real. I was unsure if I began to cry, would I be able to control the sobs. Thank God, I made it off the plane. I walked down the concourse feeling as if I were about to completely lose it. I walked off the escalator, and there stood my friend from work (chara), who was picking me up. I could hold it in no longer. I just began sobbing in baggage claim !!!

The deep grief of not having him in my day to day life has subsided. However, I don't think I've ever picked myself up and begun to live, completely since. My family is no longer totally complete without him here. I don't see him daily....don't get to give him a hug every day.....not able to protect him like I did before....don't get to cook for him....don't get to sit and just chat with him. Being Elliot is only 16 years younger than me, we interact as friends, as well as, father /son. I can say, with all my heart, he's my best friend. Being he's gay, as well, I think I'm even more connected to him. The younger children have been so supportive of me being gay and coming out, but most of my support has been from Elliot. He can relate in a way the younger two kids, can't.

The last years having him apart of the family, has been the happiest time of my life. In no way, do I want to diminish the happiness I feel having Jessica and Andrew, but I feel Elliot made our family complete and whole ! Now, there is a hole, without him here. How do I move on ? Some days, I feel so angry at him for living so far away ! I feel so cheated not having him here, unable to be apart of his daily life. On the Otherhad, I feel so proud of him that he is living his dream and stepped out and took the chance ! I just have so many mixed feelings !!

I want him to be confident, independent, self reliant, but I want him to miss his Daddy !!! LOL His daddy misses him so much !!!!

I love you, Elliot.....With all my heart !!

A Week Out of Commission

Recently, I had the flu ! O My Gosh ! How miserable can you get ?! I feel like I lost a week of my life !!

I got off work on Monday AM (I work 3rd shift over the weekends) and normally, I stay up, clean house, and cook for the kids. Last week, I was just so very tired. Therefore, I just went and laid down across the bed to nap a bit. The next thing, I know, it's 3:30 and time to pick Andrew up from school. However, I could hardly move. I felt like I had been hit by a MAC Truck. My body ached, my head hurt, had the chills and was so congested, I could hardly breathe. That was Monday.....I didn't return to work until the following Sunday night !!! A week off my feet !

I haven't been that sick in years !! My scalp even ached . However, one thing I have learned....Don't fight it....just completely let your body succomb to being sick. Sleep...drink lots of fluids....rest .....and watch alot of mindless TV ! Will and Grace.....The Golden Girls were the shows of choice !!

By Saturday, I felt so much better, but my body was so weak. I had a couple of date offers for Saturday night, but they were declined, being I was still recovering.

A couple of weeks have passed since first getting sick. Much better !! YAH !!!