The Year of the Tear - 2007

2007 has not concluded, but I have been contemplating the year. 2007 has been a year of incredible change. Some of the change has been very welcome, while some has been quiet sad. I liken 2007 to a Roller Coaster ride. We had our highs and lows, and our expected and unexpected turns. However, like a Roller Coaster, we've been able to stay on track; stay the course set before us. Our family's incredible love, commitment and resilience for one another has kept us on course through the wonderfully happy times and the extremely sad ones.

The year began with my oldest son, Elliot, telling me he wanted to pursue further education after undergrad, by attending law school. It was incredibly exciting news !! However, he doesn't want to attend a local law school in our area. He wants to move 600 miles a way to NYC to attend law school !!!! I'm to young to begin dealing with Empty Nest Syndrome !! I haven't had Elliot long enough to "lose" him to the world.

Elliot is my adopted son, whom entered my life just a few short years ago. He's gay, just as I am. We are incredibly close. Our paths crossed in life , during a time where he needed a dad to love and care for him, while I, on the other hand, needed to love and care for someone, being my own biological children weren't living with me full time. Elliot came into my life during the time I was experiencing an internal crisis of who I was, as well as, who I wanted to become ! And it was he, who was so supportive when I determined to no longer hide my identity as a gay man.

In February, my youngest son, Andrew turned 13. Two children are in their teens, and one in his early 20's. Wow !! Where does the time go !!! Andrew is so sweet and growing up so fast. He lacks confidence in his studies at school. However, he's such fun to hang out with. I laugh so hard when he starts laughing.

In March, my divorce was finalized after a few years of being in limbo. At the same time, I bought my former wife's portion of our house. She will remain there until August and rent from me until I move Elliot to NYC and our lease expires on an apartment.

In early May, Elliot graduated with a degree in Philosophy. As a small celebration, we took a weekend trip to Atlanta. My first time there. It was incredible. It was a beautiful weekend and an even more beautiful city. We spent alot of time around Piedmont Park and did alot of walking and just enjoying the city.

In June, Jessica, my daughter turned SWEET 16 !!!! My parents gave her a car ! I bought her a very beautiful ring, along with several other things. She celebrated her birthday with several girlfriends, who spent the night and next day with us. It was a great celebration !!! However, I have a daughter who drives !!!!! Looking back, it seems as if she was just born yesterday !! And now!! a motorist !!

Also, in June, Elliot and I took a trip to NYC to tour the Law School and to attempt to find housing for him. The school is nice...and on the 2nd day, we found a great place for him to stay, with the greatest couple. Who knew this couple (Steven & Kate) would become family to us !! When leaving Steven and Kate's home, I began to cry, knowing that we had just found Elliot's next home. It was a bittersweet feeling seeing Elliot's new home for the first time. Beginning to see him an another time and place without having that daily relationship, is hard to handle.
Elliot and I had a memorable experience on this trip. The night we were to return from NYC, the NY Metro area had incredible lightening storms...and torrential rain. We arrived at the airport to discover that all flights out of JFK had been cancelled for the night. The Long Island Railroad was closed due to the weather too. We got a cab and started heading into the CITY. We, finally, found a hotel: the Roger Smith Hotel on Lexington Ave. If we had to be stuck overnight in NY, what a great hotel. Elliot was so excited to get to go in the city. The next morning we walked around a couple of hours before heading off to the airport. It was a great diversion to stay an extra night.

In July, we began the packing the apartment for Elliot's move to NYC and my move back into the house. Jessica and Andrew decided they did not want to move from the house and wanted to live with me, primarily. Therefore, conversations had to be had with their mom. Since the children are in their teens, the choice really is theirs. It worked out with little difficulty.
As the month came to a close....my emotions became increasingly volatile. I had very little control of the tears that seemed to begin flowing over the smallest thing. Elliot's move to NYC, was now a reality, as we packed his room. We packed up my first home, since coming out. It was such a happy home!!! I am terribly going to miss our apartment. I have no worries about the kids living with me....but I have lots of worries about moving back into the house that my former wife and I had built. It almost felt like I was going back to the marriage !!! During this time, the tears came often. I was losing Elliot, it seemed and I was losing a home that I was so free to be me. On July 30, we moved my belongings to the house. The next Day we packed the moving truck and left for the drive to NYC. The younger kids came to say goodbye to Elliot, being they wouldn't see him until Christmas ! I wept as they hugged each other and as Elliot hugged our 2 dogs, (Carona and Amos) goodbye.

AUGUST proved to be one of the hardest months I have ever lived thru: Elliot and I arrived in NYC, the morning of Wed., August 1 to move him into his new place and get him settled into his new life. I flew back home on Saturday, Aug 4. Leaving Elliot in NYC was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I was surprised how well I did at JFK. However, as the plane descended into Raleigh/Durham, I became more and more upset...and when I walked off the escalators in baggage claim, I fell into the arms of a friend, sobbing in the middle of the airport. I recovered quickly and off we began the drive to the empty apartment in Greensboro, to get my car. WOW !!! As we walked into the empty apartment, my grief, resurfaced and I began to sob uncontrollably. How was I going to move on and let this part of my life close ??!!!! How was I going to not have my boy, Elliot, as apart of my daily life? !!! How am I going to be able to go back to the house in the country and begin living a new life there, as I a gay, single dad ? !!! I have so many mixed emotions when thinking about the house in the country. It was my first home....it is my children's only home....many happy thoughts when thinking of the kids. However, some of my most unhappiest times occurred there. Struggling over my marriage....my sexual identity were extremely difficult issues, which no one will ever know how long I struggled within myself to make sense of it all.
** So Begins my life back in the house in the country.

September was a month of settling in at the house. New Floors were installed throughout the house, in addition, to some new appliances. Jessica and Andrew were attempting to get settled in school. Elliot was adjusting well in NYC and into law school. I did have the opportunity to fly to Cleveland, OH at the end of the month to visit some close friends, for Steve's Birthday. I was only there a couple of nights, but we had an awesome time. We visited Cleveland's Botanical Gardens, and the Maltz Museum. It was good seeing them. I was thankful, they accept me as a person and not label me as "gay".

October began low key, but ended very sad. On Monday, Oct 15, Amos and Brady (2 of the 4 dogs) were hit by a truck in front of our house. Amos, who had turned 1 yr old on Oct 4, died instantly and Brady was injured to the point that an emergency visit to the vet was required. I completely lost it. I was totally inconsolable about losing Amos. He was a HUGE part of our family. He was loved by everyone who had ever met him. The dogs had been in the house...and I had just let them out back to to potty. They never went to the front of the house...and within the time it took me to shut the door and take my shoes off...they had been hit. It was so hard grieving alone, while the kids were at school. I chose not to call Elliot until that night after he got home from class. As soon as I picked up Andrew from school, he knew something was wrong. He could see it on my face. Jessica called after school and wanted to run a couple of errands and I asked if she could come on home...she could hear in my voice that something was wrong. Andrew was really quiet when I told him. Tears were in his eyes...but he was quiet. Jessica surprised me. When she came in the house....I asked her to sit beside me and she screamed and began sobbing in my arms. It was a terrible, terrible day. I waited until that evening to tell Elliot. Amos was really his dog. He just didn't feel he could take him to NYC. Elliot was very quiet and after a few minutes asked if he could hang up and be alone for a while. I know he took it poorly...we all did ! Even as I write these lines....tears are in my eyes. I miss that little dog so much !!!

I was so happy to get to see Elliot in November at Thanksgiving. I arrived the Tuesday prior and came home the Saturday afterwards. I felt so much apart of the city this time. I felt comfortable getting the train alone..and getting my own cab to the house. Even Elliot was shocked that I got to the house without his help !! We went into the city on Thanksgiving night. it was unseasonably warm. There were iceskaters at Rockefeller Center, dressed in winter attire, fooling the cameras to really thinking it was cold. On Saturday , we spent the day in and around Central Park. It was just beautiful out. While there, we went ate out and saw a couple of movies. It was good seeing my boy. Just before leaving for the airport, Jessica called to tell me that one of our other dogs, Tucker, had died. He had a seizure and had died ! Tucker was an Australian Shepherd, we had owned for 11 years or so. He had lived a wonderful life. He was good watch dog and a loyal family member...He will be missed. Andrew and my dad buried him beside Amos. Andrew laid his dog collar on his grave...which I thought was sweet.

Now December has arrived and we are preparing for Christmas. Elliot will not arrive until Dec 28. I'm not prepared to discuss the reasoning, being it irritates me so much. Jessica, Andrew and I spent an afternoon at Old Salem and drove thru the Festival of Lights. It's a long time family tradition . It was a very good day. There is still Christmas Shopping to do and grocery shopping to do for the holiday. The holidays are a little more low key since I have "come out". I'm not affiliated with a church and several people with whom I had called "friends", no longer seem to want to associate with me. Hey....it's ok !! I'm much happier being able to be honest with myself.

So, I dedicate this Post and 2007 as the "YEAR OF THE TEAR". There has been alot of change...and loss throughout this year. Many, many tears have been shed this year. However, I look with anticipation 2008 and what things may come our way !!!

JUST JEFF