I have determined the connection one feels in a relationship is unexplainable. You know what I mean? The sense of "connectedness". The feeling of belonging to someone and they belonging to you. The "I know that I know, I am in love".
I consider myself a fairly balanced person. I am in touch with my feelings and pretty well can identify what I am feeling at any particular moment. However, trying to determine if I am in love, or even deeply "in like", leaves me confused.
I was in a short lived relationship, which I ended, recently. The guy I was involved with is a wonderful man. He is sweet, considerate, thoughtful, loving, and giving. He is not perfect, but yes, a really good man. He seemingly was in love with me. At least that's what he told me and I really believed him. All his actions seemed to be in line with his words. I should have been swept off my feet, right? ....Wrong !! I really like him as a person. I enjoyed talking with him and spending time with him. I loved him as a person and as a friend, but I discovered, not as a Boyfriend or partner. O, I tried to fall in love with him. I tried to "conjure" up those feelings, but to no avail. I would visualize us as a couple and see how good we were together. I couldn't make sense of why my feelings were not as strong as his. I couldn't rationalize why I wasn't feeling all those wonderful "in love" emotions. I started to think something was wrong with me. I started to believe I had a problem which I needed to discover and address. I just kept thinking, "give it more time".
Over the last week, I really started to get panicky. When he would say he was in love with me, I would get feelings of being overwhelmed. I would get this knot in my stomach. I tried telling myself I was just adjusting to a relationship. Adjusting to my life changing, being I was in the throws of "empty nest". No matter, the feelings of uncertainty were there, and then the feelings of guilt. He was such a good man, deserving the best kind of person and love. I was just unable to provide the love he was so desiring.
On Friday AM, the relationship came to an end. I told him in person at his apartment. I was direct, to the point and as I left I patted him on the shoulder. He wouldn't/couldn't look at me. I could tell he was about to cry. I knew if I stayed, I would end up crying too. It took less than 5 minutes to hurt him, and crush his dreams of a future...with me , at least.
I haven't cried as of yet , but I have had moments of deep sadness. I feel like I have lost a good friend. However, overall, I feel a sense of relief. I have been honest to him and to myself. I don't have to feel like I'm being pressured to feel something I'm not.
It's just odd why I never experienced the connection. Why didn't I feel "in loveness" back? I have no idea. I have been in love before. Only 1 time in my life have I ever been truly and deeply in love. I know I am capable. Do we only get one chance at being truly, madly, deeply in love? Are the chances over and no more opportunity to be in love? Is fate dealing me a hard blow and not bringing someone else into my life? Is it all by chance? Do I need to learn something? Overall, I am content as a single person, but it would be nice to feel being "in love".
Well, We'll live and learn...I hope to keep my eyes open and see what God has in store for me.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Where does the Time Go ? !
It's been over a year since my last post. Amazing ! Where does the time go ? In lots of ways, the year has flown by...in other ways, it seems like a life time ago.
In January, the company in which I work, announced the closing of the Greensboro Customer Service Center. It was an extremely difficult time. I had been with the company a little 12 1/2 years at the time of the announcement. In fact, I received a promotion within my department 2 days prior to the announcement. From the time of the announcement , I knew I had my job. The question was, "Where was I going to have to move?" Everyone in my department agreed that we would be relocated to Phoenix. At the end of the day, the VP of my department, assured us that our jobs were safe, but could not give us any clarity on where we may be located. After a couple of months, it was decided that my department would remain in the Greensboro area and move to a new location. I am very very thankful not to have to move from my family.
"Survivor's Guilt" became an emotion that many of us in our department felt. It was difficult to watch 2000 colleagues transitioning to new locations, positions and even leaving our company. My daughter, Jessica, was impacted. She chose to take the severance package and move on to other opportunities. It's been close to 7 months since the closing announcement and the center is very , very empty and very, very quiet. It's eerily quiet. However, again, I'm very thankful to continue on with my company.
Sometimes in life, things don't happen in the timing we plan or expect. My youngest son, 17, and his girlfriend has blessed our family with a beautiful beautiful grandson on July 5. Landon is his name. He is just precious and I am in love with him. I am looking forward to watching him grow up and develop. I just hope and pray, "we" , the entire family, raise him to be a wonderful young man.
In May, I began dating a wonderful guy. He's perfect in many ways. He seems to be intensely in love with me. What more could any one else ask? Well....to have the same feelings for him....which sadly, I don't. As wonderful and perfect he seems...I don't feel the same towards him. I like him so much, but I am not in love with him. Today, I said goodbye to him. I ended the relationship after 2 1/2 months this morning. It was extremely difficult to do. I could have continued on, trying to conjure up emotions. However, he deserves better. He deserves someone to be madly, crazy in love with him. I'm just not that guy. I hope in time, we can be friends.
I have been attending an Episcopal Church in Greensboro for several months now. It's small and quaint. The people are friendly enough. I'm not really involved....not quite sure how to be much more involved, but we'll see. I enjoy the liturgy and the symbolism.
My son in NYC has had quite the year. His BF of 4 years had to move back to Thailand, in June, being his VISA expired. The boys came down for Father's Day and I rode back up with them to NYC and helped with his transition from being a couple to a single guy again. It was like someone had died the day we took his BF to the airport. We came home and just sat. Finally, I grilled some chicken for us and Elliot took a long nap. The next day, I began throwing out or boxing food in the kitchen that I couldn't understand, being it was written in some Asian Langauage. Elliot has adjusted well and is doing well.
Well...all for now....
In January, the company in which I work, announced the closing of the Greensboro Customer Service Center. It was an extremely difficult time. I had been with the company a little 12 1/2 years at the time of the announcement. In fact, I received a promotion within my department 2 days prior to the announcement. From the time of the announcement , I knew I had my job. The question was, "Where was I going to have to move?" Everyone in my department agreed that we would be relocated to Phoenix. At the end of the day, the VP of my department, assured us that our jobs were safe, but could not give us any clarity on where we may be located. After a couple of months, it was decided that my department would remain in the Greensboro area and move to a new location. I am very very thankful not to have to move from my family.
"Survivor's Guilt" became an emotion that many of us in our department felt. It was difficult to watch 2000 colleagues transitioning to new locations, positions and even leaving our company. My daughter, Jessica, was impacted. She chose to take the severance package and move on to other opportunities. It's been close to 7 months since the closing announcement and the center is very , very empty and very, very quiet. It's eerily quiet. However, again, I'm very thankful to continue on with my company.
Sometimes in life, things don't happen in the timing we plan or expect. My youngest son, 17, and his girlfriend has blessed our family with a beautiful beautiful grandson on July 5. Landon is his name. He is just precious and I am in love with him. I am looking forward to watching him grow up and develop. I just hope and pray, "we" , the entire family, raise him to be a wonderful young man.
In May, I began dating a wonderful guy. He's perfect in many ways. He seems to be intensely in love with me. What more could any one else ask? Well....to have the same feelings for him....which sadly, I don't. As wonderful and perfect he seems...I don't feel the same towards him. I like him so much, but I am not in love with him. Today, I said goodbye to him. I ended the relationship after 2 1/2 months this morning. It was extremely difficult to do. I could have continued on, trying to conjure up emotions. However, he deserves better. He deserves someone to be madly, crazy in love with him. I'm just not that guy. I hope in time, we can be friends.
I have been attending an Episcopal Church in Greensboro for several months now. It's small and quaint. The people are friendly enough. I'm not really involved....not quite sure how to be much more involved, but we'll see. I enjoy the liturgy and the symbolism.
My son in NYC has had quite the year. His BF of 4 years had to move back to Thailand, in June, being his VISA expired. The boys came down for Father's Day and I rode back up with them to NYC and helped with his transition from being a couple to a single guy again. It was like someone had died the day we took his BF to the airport. We came home and just sat. Finally, I grilled some chicken for us and Elliot took a long nap. The next day, I began throwing out or boxing food in the kitchen that I couldn't understand, being it was written in some Asian Langauage. Elliot has adjusted well and is doing well.
Well...all for now....
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