I have determined the connection one feels in a relationship is unexplainable. You know what I mean? The sense of "connectedness". The feeling of belonging to someone and they belonging to you. The "I know that I know, I am in love".
I consider myself a fairly balanced person. I am in touch with my feelings and pretty well can identify what I am feeling at any particular moment. However, trying to determine if I am in love, or even deeply "in like", leaves me confused.
I was in a short lived relationship, which I ended, recently. The guy I was involved with is a wonderful man. He is sweet, considerate, thoughtful, loving, and giving. He is not perfect, but yes, a really good man. He seemingly was in love with me. At least that's what he told me and I really believed him. All his actions seemed to be in line with his words. I should have been swept off my feet, right? ....Wrong !! I really like him as a person. I enjoyed talking with him and spending time with him. I loved him as a person and as a friend, but I discovered, not as a Boyfriend or partner. O, I tried to fall in love with him. I tried to "conjure" up those feelings, but to no avail. I would visualize us as a couple and see how good we were together. I couldn't make sense of why my feelings were not as strong as his. I couldn't rationalize why I wasn't feeling all those wonderful "in love" emotions. I started to think something was wrong with me. I started to believe I had a problem which I needed to discover and address. I just kept thinking, "give it more time".
Over the last week, I really started to get panicky. When he would say he was in love with me, I would get feelings of being overwhelmed. I would get this knot in my stomach. I tried telling myself I was just adjusting to a relationship. Adjusting to my life changing, being I was in the throws of "empty nest". No matter, the feelings of uncertainty were there, and then the feelings of guilt. He was such a good man, deserving the best kind of person and love. I was just unable to provide the love he was so desiring.
On Friday AM, the relationship came to an end. I told him in person at his apartment. I was direct, to the point and as I left I patted him on the shoulder. He wouldn't/couldn't look at me. I could tell he was about to cry. I knew if I stayed, I would end up crying too. It took less than 5 minutes to hurt him, and crush his dreams of a future...with me , at least.
I haven't cried as of yet , but I have had moments of deep sadness. I feel like I have lost a good friend. However, overall, I feel a sense of relief. I have been honest to him and to myself. I don't have to feel like I'm being pressured to feel something I'm not.
It's just odd why I never experienced the connection. Why didn't I feel "in loveness" back? I have no idea. I have been in love before. Only 1 time in my life have I ever been truly and deeply in love. I know I am capable. Do we only get one chance at being truly, madly, deeply in love? Are the chances over and no more opportunity to be in love? Is fate dealing me a hard blow and not bringing someone else into my life? Is it all by chance? Do I need to learn something? Overall, I am content as a single person, but it would be nice to feel being "in love".
Well, We'll live and learn...I hope to keep my eyes open and see what God has in store for me.
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