Yesterday, Saturday, March 8, my former wife married, after a 3 year seperation and almost 1 year divorced. How do I feel? What am I thinking? Her marriage has caused me to reflect over our years of marriage and the ending of it.
After almost 17 years of marriage, I left. I would have never left if there had been anything to cling too....Friendship....love on some level...but there was nothing between us but anomosity, bitterness and resentment. I was tired of living the lie. First, you may think the LIE was me being gay. Yes, that is part of the story. Finally, I had admitted to myself, I was really gay. However, the rest of the LIE, was our marriage. I had come to the place after several years, I no longer loved my former wife and honestly, she didn't love or like me, contrary to the act she displayed for the church and our little "world". Our closest of friends were aware of the deep troubles within our marriage. However, the church and most of our world saw the "happy" married couple. "The Curtain" came up and the show began anytime we were around most people, but as soon we were in private, "The Curtain" fell hard, the show over, revealing 2 miserable human beings.
Do I have any regrets? Well, only 1 regret. I regret the way our seperation occurred. I wish I had the courage to sit down and speak with her about our failed marriage, and then had left and dealt with the "gay" issue at a later time. Instead, I was "confronted" about being gay and given ultimatums about who I chose as friends, which caused me to immediately become defensive and leave. Due to the manner of the confrontation (which was done with others present; an intervention), I was unwilling to really address the accusations. In fact, opinions had already been formed and no one was really interested in "truth", but a total admittance of guilt. However, I'm not denying guilt, but I wasn't necessarily guilty for all that I was being accused. Additionally, I wasn't the only guilty party in the room. I think if I had left first, my former wife would have had to deal with her part in the failed marriage. Instead, she was more concerned about absolving herself of any responsibility of the failed marriage and keeping up the act of the "woman abandoned".
In no way, do I want to give the impression that all 17 years of our marriage was miserable. I, truly, attempted to make the "best" of a bad situation. Also, there were happy times in our marriage. Two incredibly, beautiful children were conceived from our union. As bad as the marriage was, my former wife and I have had the children in common. We, both, love (d) the children. We had many happy times with them. The kids truly brought joy to us, both.
I truly hope for happiness for she and her new husband. I hope this will allow a new beginning to our relationship. We are forever bound by our children and future grandchildren. I hope for more than a tolerable relationship with she and her new husband, but a relationship which can be amiable.
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